It's back

I woke up this morning with that familiar twinge of pain in my eye. I knew what was going on before I even looked in the mirror.

My uveitis decided to flare up today.

If you are reading this and have no clue what I’m talking about, go back and read the posts from April and May. I promise, they’re very interesting and hilarious.

It’s been 3 and a half months since that last flare up where I called the eye doctor to make an appointment and then called back crying because I couldn't afford another $100 appointment. What a long way I've come… or so I thought..

I got some coffee and sat on the bed, having my own little pity party. All those same questions crept back in. Why me? Why now? What’s wrong with me that my eye won’t just heal already? Am I doing something wrong? I think these are all natural questions for us to ask, even as Christians. For the last 6 months, I've been pondering a lot of things.

Do I think God allows my suffering? 

I do. I also know that God works everything out for his own glory, even if I totally screw everything up, which I am prone to doing. In the beginning, I begged God to heal me. He could have, but he didn’t.

Do I think God caused my suffering? 

Well, he hasn't come out and told me yet. He very well could have. This is an interesting question though. The Bible is very clear about God controlling sickness. He yells at Moses in Exodus 4:11 (I imagine it as yelling because of the way my mom always read it to me) “Who has made man’s mouth? Who makes him mute or deaf or seeing or blind (or uveitisy)?” In Deuteronomy, God also said “I kill and make alive; I wound and I heal.” God could have chosen me to have weird blood problems and a weird red eye.

Do I think God is punishing me for something I did wrong? 

“Punishing” is a strong word. I think “discipline” is a good possibility though. I’m about to get real with you guys. I can talk all day about being a Christian and God working in me and here I raise mine Ebenezer. How is my sanctification? Pretty lousy. When crazy things are possible, I tend to avoid God because he likes to take me places that are uncomfortable. (i.e. Scotland, not having a job)… even though he takes me there anyway, whether I pray about it or not. I know it doesn't make sense. Everyone has their struggles. Mine are consistency and giving up control of the crazy.

So does this mean I think God gave me uveitis because I’m not reading my Bible or praying enough? 

He could have. I’m not going to rule that one out. It’s interesting that the girl with control issues has an internal problem that she can’t control.

So, how has God gotten glory from this?

Well, for starters, I still have my vision, even if it is funky. When I think about the way things looked out of this eye in the beginning, it’s a miracle that my eye didn't just fall out.

Secondly, it has alerted me to possible blood issues that I would have never known about had the uveitis symptoms not shown up. HLA-B27, mixed connective tissue disease, Lupus. These things weren't even on my radar at all before this. On the outside, I was completely healthy.

Also, through the whole 4 months from the beginning of my uveitis to the time when we left for Scotland, we were paying thousands of dollars in doctor bills and prescriptions. On top of that, we had to pay for visas, passports, the deposit on Clay’s degree, and some other pretty ridiculous emergency bills. And after it was all over, we had somehow accumulated enough money to live for a year without jobs. Whenever I think about how expensive my eye has been, I can’t help but think how God provided for us above and beyond our wildest expectations. And this always comes up in conversation. “Yeah, Carmen had uveitis, and our health insurance paid for none of it, but somehow, money came from everywhere…” It absolutely makes no logical sense how it happened except that God has control of all of it.

His strength is made perfect in my weakness.

So, today, I have uveitis again. And it’s ok. 

Carm